The Cop and the Anthem - O.Henry
On his bench in Madison
Square, Soapy moved uneasily. When wild geese honk high of nights, and when
women without sealskin coats grow kind to their husbands, and when Soapy moves
uneasily on his bench in the park, you may know that winter is near at hand.
A dead leaf fell in
Soapy's lap. That was Jack Frost's card. Jack is kind to the regular denizens
of Madison Square and gives fair warning of his annual call. At the corners of
four streets he hands his pasteboard to the North Wind, footman of the mansion
of All Outdoors, so that the inhabitants thereof may make ready.
Soapy's mind became
cognizant of the fact that the time had come for him to resolve himself info a
singular Committee of Ways and Means to provide against the coming rigor. And
therefore he moved uneasily on his bench.
The hibernatorial
ambitions of Soapy were not of the highest. In them were no considerations of
Mediterranean cruises, of soporific Southern skies or drifting in the Vesuvian
Bay. Three months on the Island was what his soul craved. Three months of
assured board and bed and congenial company, safe from Boreas and blue Coats,
seemed to Soapy the essence of things desirable.
For years the hospitab1e
Blackwell's had been his winter quarters. Just as his more fortunate fellow New
Yorkers had bought their tickets to Palm Beach and the Riviera each winter, so
Soapy had made his humble arrangements for his annual hegira to the Island. And
now the time was come. On the previous night three Sabbath newspapers,
distributed beneath his coat, about his ankles and over his lap, had failed to
repulse the cold as he slept on his bench near the spurring fountain in the
ancient square. So the Island loomed big and timely in Soapy's mind. He scorned
the provisions made in the name of charity for the city's dependents. In
Soapy's opinion the Law was more benign than Philanthropy.
There was an endless
round of institutions, municipal and eleemosynary, on which he might set out
and receive lodging and food accordant with the simple life. But to one of
Soapy's proud spirit the gifts of charity are encumbered. If not in coin you
must pay in humiliation of spirit for every benefit received at the hands of
philanthropy. As Caesar had his Brutus, every bed of charity must have its toll
of a bath, every loaf of bread its compensation of a private and personal
inquisition. Wherefore it is better to be a guest of the law, which,
though conducted by rules, does not meddle unduly with a gentleman's private
affairs. I Soapy, having decided to
go to the Island, at once set about accomplishing his desire. There were many
easy ways of doing this. The pleasantest was to dine luxuriously at some
expensive restaurant; and then, after declaring Insolvency, be handed over
quietly and without uproar to a policeman. An accommodating magistrate would do
the rest.
Soapy left his bench and
strolled out of the square and across the level sea of asphalt, where Broadway
and Fifth Avenue flow together. Up Broadway he turned, and halted at a
glittering cafe where are gathered together nightly the choicest products of
the grape, the silkworm, and the protoplasm.
Soapy had confidence in
himself from the lowest button of his vest upward. He was shaven, and his coat
was decent and his neat black, ready-tied four-in-hand had been presented to
him by a lady missionary on Thanksgiving Day If he could reach a table in the
restaurant unsuspected success would be his. The portion of him that would show
above the table would raise no doubt in the waiter's mind. A roasted mallard
duck, thought Soapy, would be about the thing; with a bottle of Chablis, and
then Camembert, a demitasse and a cigar. One dollar for the cigar would be
enough. The total would not be so high as to call forth any supreme
manifestation of revenge from the cafe management; and yet the meat would leave
him filled and happy for the journey to his winter refuge.
But as Soapy set foot in
side the restaurant door the head waiter's eye fell upon his frayed trousers
and decadent shoes. Strong and ready hands turned him about and conveyed him in
silence and haste to the sidewalk and averted the ignoble fate of the menaced
mallard.
Soapy turned off
Broadway. It seemed that his route to the coveted Island was not to be an
epicurean one. Some other way of entering limbo must be thought of.At a corner of Sixth
Avenue electric lights and cunningly displayed wares behind plate-glass made a
shop window conspicuous. Soapy took a cobblestone and dashed it through the
glass. People came running around the corner, a policeman in the lead. Soapy
stood still, with his hands in his pockets, arid smiled at the sight of brass
buttons.
"Where's the man
that done that?" inquired the officer, excitedly.
"Don't you figure
out that I might have had something to do with it?" said Soapy, not
without sarcasm, but friendly, as one greets good fortune.
The policeman's mind
refused to accept Soapy even as a clue. Men who smash windows do not remain to
parley with the law's minions. They take to their heels. The policeman saw a
man halfway down the block running to catch a cat. With drawn club he joined in
the pursuit. Soapy, with disgust in his heart, loafed along, twice
unsuccessful.
On the opposite side of
the street was a restaurant of no great pretensions. It catered to large appetites
and modest purses. Its crockery and atmosphere were thick; its soup and napery
thin. Into this place Soapy took his accusive shoes and telltale trousers
without challenge. At a table he sat and consumed beefsteak, flapjacks,
doughnuts and pie. And then to the waiter he betrayed the fact that the
minutest coin and he were strangers.
"Now, get busy and
call a cop,' said Soapy, "And don't keep a gentleman waiting."
"No cop for
youse," said the waiter, with a voice like butter cakes and an eye like
the cherry in a Manhattan cocktail. "Hey, Con!"
Neatly upon his left ear
on the callous pavement two waiters pitched Soapy. He arose joint by joint, as
a carpenter's rule opens, and beat the lust from his clothes. Arrest seemed but
a rosy dream. The Island seemed very far away. A policeman who stood before a
drug store two doors away laughed and walked down the street.
Five blocks Soapy
traveled before his courage permitted him to woo capture again. This time the
opportunity presented what he fatuously termed to himself a "cinch."
A young woman of a modest and pleasing guise was standing before a show window
gazing with sprightly interest at its display of shaving mugs and inkstands,
and two yards from the window a large policeman of severe demeanor leaned against
a water plug.
It was Soapy's design to
assume the role of the despicable and execrated "masher." The refined
and elegant appearance of his victim and the contiguity of the conscientious
cop encouraged him to believe that he would soon feel the pleasant official
clutch upon his arm that would insure his winter quarters on the right little,
tight little isle
Soapy straightened the
lady missionary's ready-made tie, dragged his shrinking cuffs into the open,
set his hat at a killing cant and sidled toward the young woman. He made eyes
at her, was taken with sudden coughs and "hems," smiled, smirked and
went brazenly through the impudent and contemptible litany of the
"masher." With half an eye Soapy saw that the policeman was watching
him fixedly. The young woman moved away a few steps, and again bestowed her
absorbed attention upon the shaving mugs. Soapy followed, boldly stepping to
her side, raised his hat and said:
"Ah there, Bedelia!
Don't you want to come and play in my yard?"
The policeman was still
looking. The persecuted young woman had but to beckon a finger and Soapy would
be practically en route for his insular haven. Already be imagined he could
feel tile cozy warmth of the station-house. The young woman faced him and,
stretching out a hand, caught Soapy's Coat sleeve.
"Sure, Mike,"
she Said, joyfully, "if you'll blow me to a pail of suds. I'd have spoke
to you sooner' but the cop was watching."
With the young woman
playing the clinging ivy to his oak Soapy walked past the policeman overcome
with gloom. He seemed doomed to liberty.
At the next corner he
shook off his companion and ran. He halted in the district where by night are
found the lightest streets, hearts, vows and librettos. Women in furs and men
in greatcoats moved gaily in the wintry air. A sudden fear seized Soapy that
some dreadful enchantment had rendered him immune to arrest. The thought
brought a little of panic upon it' and when he came upon another policeman
lounging grandly in front of a transplendent theatre he caught at the immediate
straw of "disorderly conduct."
On the sidewalk Soapy
began to yell drunken gibberish at the top of his harsh voice. He danced,
howled, raved, and otherwise disturbed the welkin.
The policeman twirled
his club, turned his back to Soapy and remarked to a citizen.
"Tis one of them
Yale lads celebratin' the goose egg they give to the Hartford College. Noisy,
but no harm. We've instructions to lave them be."
Disconsolate, Soapy
ceased his unavailing racket. Would never a policeman lay hands on him? In his
fancy the Island seemed an unattainable Arcadia. He buttoned his thin coat
against the chilling wind.
In a cigar store he saw
a well-dressed man lighting a cigar at a swinging light. His silk umbrella he
had set by the door on entering. Soapy stepped inside, secured the umbrella and
sauntered off with it slowly. The man at the cigar light followed hastily.
"My umbrella,"
he said, sternly.
"Oh, is it?"
sneered Soapy, adding insult to petit larceny. "Well, why don't you call a
policeman? I took it. Your umbrella? Why don't you call a cop? There stands one
on the corner."
The umbrella owner
slowed his steps. Soapy did likewise, with a presentiment that luck would again
run against him. The policeman looked at the two curiously.
"Of course,"
said the umbrella man, "that is...;well, you know how these mistakes
occur...; I...;if it's your umbrella I hope you'll excuse me...;I picked it up
this morning in a restaurant...;If you recognize it as yours, why...;I hope
you'll --
"Of course it's
mine," said Soapy, viciously.
The ex-umbrella man
retreated. The policeman hurried to assist a tall blonde in an opera cloak
across the street in front of a street car that was approaching two blocks
away.
Soapy walked eastward
through a street damaged by improvements. He hurled the umbrella wrathfully
into an excavation. He muttered against the men who wear helmets and carry
clubs. Because he wanted to fall into their clutches, they seemed to regard him
as a king who could do no wrong.
At length Soapy reached
one of the avenues to the east where the glitter and turmoil was but faint. He
set his face down this toward Madison Square, for the homing instinct survives
even when the home is a park bench.
But on an unusually
quiet corner Soapy came to a standstill. Here was an old church, quaint and
rambling and gabled. Through one violet-stained window a soft light glowed,
where, no doubt, the organist loitered over the keys, making sure of his
mastery of the coming Sabbath anthem. For there drifted out to Soapy's ears
sweet music that caught and held him transfixed against the convolutions of the
iron fence.
The moon was above,
lustrous and serene; vehicles and pedestrians were few; sparrows twittered
sleepily in the eaves; for a little while the scene might have been a country
churchyard. And the anthem that the organist played cemented Soapy to the iron
fence, for he had known it well in the days when his life contained such things
as mothers and roses and ambitions and friends and immaculate thoughts and
collars.
The conjunction of Soapy's
receptive state of mind and the influences about the old church wrought a
sudden and wonderful change in his soul. He viewed with swift horror the pit
into which he had tumbled, the degraded days, unworthy desires, dead hopes,
wrecked faculties and base motives that made up his existence.
And also in a moment his
heart responded thrillingly to this novel mood. An instantaneous and strong
impulse moved him to battle with his desperate fate. He would pull himself out
of the mire; he would make a man of himself again; he would conquer the evil
that had taken possession of him. There was time; he was comparatively young
yet: he would resurrect his old eager ambitions and pursue them without
faltering. Those solemn but sweet organ notes had set up a revolution in him.
Tomorrow he would go into the roaring downtown district and find work. A fur
importer had once offered him a place as driver. He would find him to-morrow
and ask for the position. He would be somebody in the world. He would --Soapy felt a hand laid
on his arm. He looked quickly around into the broad face of a policeman.
"What are you doin'
here?" asked the officer.
"Nothin',"
said Soapy.
"Then come
along," said the policeman.
"Three months on
the Island," said the Magistrate in the Police Court the next morning.
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